Saturday, 26 June 2004 - 12:04 AM PDT

I knew it. I knew it, I knew it, I knew it.

Needless to say, I knew it.

No, you were not that bad. It was never about you, Nic. You nor the billions of women out there that know what no man can possibly feel or understand.

Men have two brains. One that thinks and one that just acts. The one that just acts, is very tiny and has no integrity or conscience.

That pain, I hope they become familiar with at some point in their life. It's only fair.

Expectations have a lot to do with it. If you don't expect it, it's severely traumatizing. Trauma has life long effects that dissipate only with lots of time. If you decided to do it to him, the pain wouldn't be as harsh to you, it would be forced upon him.

Her name was Lola, Lola Ebola.

Nic, one thing to think about is, without pain there is no pleasure. With the intensity of your pain, you will be able to find an equal intensity of pleasure that will blind the past. It will happen, I promise you.

This was the man I was supposed to marry. We were 3 years in the planning. I didn't know I was pregnant, I was never pregnant before. I moved out (it was his place).
I went into my new home with no furniture, no appliances, no electricity and no phone. I couldn't move. No one knew my grief. Of course there was no food, so I didn't eat. I sat there and cried and stared. I was in so much pain, I was numb. The only thing that awoke me from my depression was my miscarriage. Which only brought me in deeper. It took a very long while, as I valued that life, but I buried myself in work and things I loved to do. My life got better than I ever expected. But, it blindsided me too. When you least expect it. Joy will slip in.

May God Be there to get you there sooner.

Saturday, 26 June 2004 - 6:45 AM PDT

.....for the record, that was 6 years ago. I still love him to this day, more than anyone I've ever known. But, I would never go back. The trust is gone.

Cheers... to enjoying the pleasure of life.

Saturday, 26 June 2004 - 10:40 PM PDT

Man, that must have been a blow. I know it was for me too. But like Rockon said it will pass with time. I met someone that was infinitely better several years later and chances are you will too. I'm sorry that it had to happen but I've learned that things like this can be a learning experience as I'm sure it was. It's a shame I really used to like him but lost a lot of respect when I saw and read what he did. Everytime I see him now all I can see is someone that is pretty full of himself. There are those, including you maybe, that will think I am sucking up but honestly I decided all this before I read a word of this blog. I also decided today, after reading Rance's blog, that I think I like this blog a lot better. I'm tired of the song and dance he does every few days. It's strange, there is absolutely no way to be sure that you are who you say you are. You really have to just take that on faith, kind of, but it's interesting to read and think that you really are Nicole Kidman. It just seems so bizarre. I wonder what you really think about the people that comment on your blog? Is it what you thought it would be when you started? Did you just want to out Rance or did you really want to blog with regular people? And do you really think they are all "regular folks?" LOL LOL Just curious.

Saturday, 26 June 2004 - 11:11 PM PDT

Ditto. Cheated on and his treachery was revealed at a very pubic and posh drinks party in London in front of friends and foe alike. It's hard to keep a strong public front and maintain your dignity when you've fallen to pieces inside.

I find it interesting that all of us have had this happen to us personally - what does that say about men? Can everyone of you say that you haven't cheated on a man? I haven't, though I'm not saying that to sound high and mighty, but rather because I am interested if the statistics in our little blog group show us to be above the men, or just as dirty and sneaky as they.

The pain does fade considerably with time. It's been 11 years since it happened and it isn't so painful now ... but I haven't had a healthy, really long-term relationship since. I guess that says a lot! Your feelings for him may not fade, though (are we masochists?). The worst, however, is the loss of self-respect esperience for being so blind and/or stupid.

Be strong, sisters.
xoxo

Sunday, 27 June 2004 - 10:35 PM PDT

Sid,

It looks like a number of recent blogs(Vance, Rancelot, Bloggers Paradise[small-fry0])are outing/surmising Rance as Clooney. I'm wondering if this is his way of outing himself.

What do you think?

Chinquapin

Monday, 28 June 2004 - 7:16 AM PDT

Totally different writing style - couldn't be. Unless he enlisted help.

Monday, 28 June 2004 - 11:10 AM PDT

Sid,

I'm sure Rance has lots of friends willing to help if asked.

Just a thought.

Chinquapin

Monday, 28 June 2004 - 1:46 PM PDT

Vance, I can truly relate. My husband left me for my best friend. I was devastated! Not only did my husband walk out, but I was betrayed by someone whom I considered to be my dearest friend. I think her betrayal is what hurt the most. Afterall, I had spent countless nights on the phone with her while she cried that her husband (estranged at the time) was seeing one of her co-workers.

Anyway, that was 15 years ago. I've worked through the anger and bitterness. I don't hate him anymore. In fact, if it weren't for his leaving, I would've never met the wonderful people I now have as friends, I would've never experienced many of the things I have or traveled as I have, etc. I'm better without him. But, I've grown because of him.

Wednesday, 30 June 2004 - 11:52 AM PDT

How many of us Sisters has this happened to? My husband was cheating for years (between three and five before I knew about it) with his "Baby Secretary," 13 years his junior. My ex- was so crazy, he actually thought he could have Baby Secretary and keep his "wife in the suburbs," too. In other words, he wanted both worlds and actually thought he could get away with it (what am I saying? He did get away with it - for years!). I found out about his cheating from his friends' hints (who, I guess, couldn't tolerate his hypocrisy), and the clincher was when Baby Secretary got pregnant while we were still actually married (I didn't want to believe the hints. I confronted him, he denied, and I believed). Now I hear that she (the idiot) has a husband who cheats on her - just like he cheated on his first wife (me). When the girlfriend goes into a relationship like this, does she actually think he won't do the same thing to her?

I'm proposing a new and exciting take on Marriage. Maybe we should all go into marriage with new expections. Maybe we shouldn't go into marriage anymore with the idea of "happily ever after" - maybe we should all into it with a contingency plan. You know, we could PLAN for what they're going to do to us (after all, what's the rate of divorce now?). Progressive colleges could teach a women's empowerment course called "Marriage 101," where they tell you the truth, and nothing but the truth. Never change your lifelong plans just because you're getting married. Live your life as if you're going to live it alone, and THEN, if someone comes along, keep your talents sharp so you've always got a way to support yourself. I know that had I known what my husband was going to do to me, I wouldn't have given up my music in order to go get a "real" job to help support him while he was climbing the corporate ladder (having a musician wife just didn't fit in with his corporate image). I wouldn't have cut my education short - I would have gotten that Masters. I would have put my dreams first - ahead of his "dreams for us," which only counted (to him) until someone else came along.

It's just a thought, but wouldn't it be revolutionary? Wouldn't it keep men on their toes? If we were expecting it, and planning for it, maybe it wouldn't be so horrible for us when it actually happened.

I know this kills all the romanticism, but - romanticism is killing us! When they leave us for someone else, we're not prepared, and we're devastated (it took me a long time to get over my divorce. I had actually believed the "happily ever after" stories). I know now it just doesn't happen. I won't be caught unprepared again!

Wednesday, 30 June 2004 - 8:12 PM PDT

Methinks you just married the wrong Joe Schmoe. Obviously he was not mature enough to accept you the way you were. Personally I relish the thought of a musician/actress wife, and I am a corporate businessman. I just think the two mesh equally but in their own separate ways. I did dabble in the arts in my college days, but I am comfortable standing on the outskirts of Hollywood today.

Romanticism is not dead! It thrives but it largely rejected by today's women as being old fashioned or phony. Maybe so. But without romance there is no life in a marriage.

Wednesday, 30 June 2004 - 10:24 PM PDT

Sir Knight,

Quick, go get some dulling spray at the Home Depot, the glare from your armor is blinding.

Quick question, friends you trust fix you up on a blind date. You want to give her a little something to start the date off on the right foot(PEOPLE!-Get your minds out of the gutter! I know Rancelot didn't go there.) What little something do you present upon first meeting?

Chinquapin

Thursday, 1 July 2004 - 7:26 AM PDT

Sid,

I for one, never cheated ever. Never gave it a thought.

I have yet to see one man with integrity. One who does the right thing even when no one is watching. Except for my father with my mom.

He and my mom were both virgins when they met. They are still together and neither one have cheated. I think that alone says it all. I think there is something to losing your virginity. Well traveled or wanton (so to speak) don't seem to have any ability to be satisfied.

Just a thought.

Thanks Sid for your comments, too on being strong and making reference to us as sisters. As, truly, we are.

Take care all.

Thursday, 1 July 2004 - 7:45 AM PDT

Hey, Rancelot! How'd you know his name? And does anyone ever REALLY accept you the way you are? I haven't found anyone that healthy yet. I think you're mistaken about romanticism being rejected by today's women as being old-fashioned or phony. Maybe it's only my generation (I'm in my 40s), but we had it spoon-fed to us with all the fairy tales and "girl stories" growing up (I even imagined Nancy Drew would eventually hook up with one of the Hardy Boys. God forbid she should spend her life alone). Maybe the newer generations are getting smarter? And yes, I agree, without romance, there IS no life in a marriage - but I think you're the only man I've ever talked to who would actually say such a thing! What planet are you from? Are there more of you out there?

Thursday, 1 July 2004 - 7:53 AM PDT

Oh, Chinq, good one about the dulling spray from Home Depot!!! Why can't I think of stuff like that?

You notice Rancelot is anonymous. How many men would say such things if their identities were actually KNOWN! They'd say it was too dangerous, and that we would take advantage of them and torture them mercilessly if we knew the way they "really" think. Is that it? Are we too busy hiding from each other?

Thursday, 1 July 2004 - 11:10 AM PDT

Jaded-X(I usually go with initals, but JEW just didn't see appropriate),

Sounds like you could use a drink. Drop by The Nut House when you get some time. We're still under construction, but the crew has a cooler stocked with beer until we get the bar up & running. And bring a photo of that dog Schmoe, we'll put it up on the dart board.
The Nut House is located at http://chinquapin2.tripod.com/nutty/

Chinquapin

P.S. Brokenhearted guys are more than welcome to bring photos of their X's for the dart board.